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Philia | Four Loves | Week 4
CJ Ward
Philia: The Power of Brotherly Love
As New Life Church concluded its series on the Four Greek Words for Love, Pastor CJ Ward delivered a powerful and practical message on the fourth love—Philia, also known as brotherly love. Unlike eros (romantic love), storge (familial affection), or agape (sacrificial love), Philia is rooted in loyal friendship, trust, and companionship—a kind of love the church desperately needs to recover.
From the beginning of the message, Pastor CJ emphasized the value of community and friendship. Drawing from Proverbs 18:24, he read,
“One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.”
This passage doesn’t use the word “Philia” explicitly—because it comes from the Hebrew Old Testament—but the concept is clearly presented. A true friend is more than a surface-level acquaintance. This friend is deeply loyal, steadfast, and committed—someone you can rely on through every season of life.
Understanding Philia
Philia is defined as “having a great affection or care for someone, or loyalty toward someone.” It is sometimes referred to as “brotherly love,” famously seen in the name Philadelphia—the city of brotherly love. While storge is the love that comes naturally in family relationships, Philia is the love we choose. It’s the deep, voluntary commitment between friends who do life together.
CJ asked a challenging question early in the message:
"Do you have any best friends—like bury-a-body friends? The kind of person who would be in jail with you, not just bailing you out?"
This humorous yet poignant question made listeners reflect on the level of friendship they truly have in their lives. Are there friends in our lives we trust for spiritual support, financial accountability, emotional honesty, and marital encouragement?
Sadly, according to CJ, the answer for many is “no.”
The Decline of Friendship
CJ cited recent research comparing friendship levels in 1990 and 2021. The number of Americans reporting zero close friends quadrupled from 3% to 12%, while the number of people who claimed 10 or more close friends dropped by 60%.
Even more alarming, fewer than half of those who do have close friends feel comfortable discussing mental or physical health issues with them. And when looking specifically at men, the numbers drop even further.
This growing epidemic of loneliness is not just emotional—it’s physical and spiritual. In 2023, the Surgeon General released a report titled “Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation”, labeling loneliness a health crisis on par with smoking and obesity.
Despite being more digitally connected than ever before, we are relationally impoverished. We’re surrounded by substitutes—social media, group chats, and casual acquaintances—that feel like friendship but lack the depth and nourishment of Philia.
The Analogy: Mike and Ikes vs. Oranges
To drive home this point, Pastor CJ used a tangible illustration: a box of Mike and Ikes (his favorite candy) and a real orange. While both might look similar in color and flavor, only the orange provides nourishment and health benefits. Mike and Ikes might satisfy a craving temporarily, but long-term consumption is harmful.
The same is true of friendship. Surface-level connections may fill a temporary void, but only real, sacrificial Philia brings spiritual nourishment and growth.
Jesus and Paul Modeled Philia
Jesus’ first invitation to His disciples wasn’t a list of rules—it was relational. In John 1:38–39, Jesus asks, “What do you want?” and then says, “Come and see.” The Christian life begins with that same invitation: come and be united to me.
Jesus doesn’t drag people into relationship through fear or shame. He invites them to Eros—a deep, intimate bond of love and trust. It’s not about perfection but participation. And as Pastor Mike emphasized, “Healthy relationships start selfish, but they become selfless.”
How We Mistreat Eros
CJ reminded the congregation that both Jesus and Paul, two of the most impactful figures in Christian history, were unmarried—and yet they both lived rich, meaningful lives. Why? Because they were never alone. They did life in close-knit communities of friends.
Jesus traveled with his disciples, ate with them, laughed with them, and even wept with them (John 11:35). He called them not servants, but friends (John 15:15). Paul, likewise, continually referenced his ministry partners—Timothy, Barnabas, Silas, and others—who traveled with him, supported him, and served alongside him in gospel work .
Their examples confirm what Proverbs and modern research agree upon: You cannot become who God created you to be without friends.
Three Practices for Cultivating Philia
CJ concluded the message with three clear, actionable steps for cultivating Philia—true, spiritual friendship:
1. Become a Good Friend
“You will not become anything by accident.”
No one becomes a good friend by chance. It takes intentionality. If you want honest, trustworthy, and loyal friends, you must be honest, trustworthy, and loyal yourself. Show up. Keep your word. Refuse to gossip. Be the kind of friend others want to have.
CJ shared from Proverbs 27:17,
“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”
Friendship is both formational and reciprocal. Real friends make each other better.
2. Choose Your Friends Intentionally
CJ challenged listeners, especially teenagers and young adults, with a life-altering truth:
“You are the sum total of your five closest friends.”
Whether in adolescence or adulthood, who we spend our time with will shape our future. If you want to be spiritually strong, surround yourself with people who point you to Jesus.
CJ reminded adults as well:
"This isn't just for kids. You become like the people you spend time with. That doesn't mean you stop hanging out with old friends. It means you lead them toward Jesus instead of following them to the bar."
3. Center Friendships on Christ
Friendships built on hobbies or shared interests are great—but they’re not enough. CJ shared a story of a hunting buddy he spent over a week with without once talking about their faith. It was a wake-up call. He realized that relationships don’t accidentally become spiritually healthy—they must be intentionally Christ-centered.
“Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together… but encouraging one another.”
Gospel-centered friendship involves confession (James 5:16), prayer, accountability, and encouragement. It might include sports, coffee, and laughter—but at its core, it must also include Jesus.
A Real-Life Testimony
CJ closed with a baptism—an outward symbol of inward transformation. Brock, a young man who joined CJ’s men’s life group, went from being an unknown guest to a brother in Christ. Through vulnerability, accountability, and friendship, Brock encountered Jesus, surrendered his life, and was baptized surrounded by his life group brothers.
This testimony was a powerful example of Philia in action. When we show up, open up, and stick it out, we experience transformation—not just personally, but communally.
Final Encouragement
CJ ended by urging everyone not to wait for friendship to “just happen.”
“Do you have that kind of friend—the one who sticks closer than a brother?”
If not, there’s hope. Jesus is that friend first, and His body—the Church—is full of people learning how to become that kind of friend for others. That’s what life groups at New Life are all about: creating intentional space for Philia.
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